Warning: Anguish, tragedy, mentioning of blood and death.
Drop, drop, drop. The bitter liquid falls heavily, drenching my already shivering body to a great extent. The darken Grey clouds reflecting my own dull heart, the same heart that is sinking further and further, with each passing day, down in deep depression. The wind is harsh against me, and yet, I barely felt its piercingly hard blows. No pain could compared to this thorn cutting through my broken heart so rapidly.
Broken...Maybe wrecked, fragmented, shattered, cracked, smashed, or damaged could describe its pitiful condition.
I lift my head upward, Emerald irises meeting the ominous sky slowly. I can feel the rain running down my redden eyes, or was it my tears of heartache? I may say that I don't care, when in all actuality, I'm lying through my clenched teeth. The fact is, I simply don't want the truth, to not know of these dripping tears. It only made this pain worse, knowing how weak I really am, though I try in vain not to be so feeble.
It's fine, isn't it? Nobody likes knowing the truth of their own pathetic weakness, correct? Perhaps, that's why I'm hurting so viciously. This pain is eating me alive, gorging my heart out like a lion feasting upon it's unfortunate prey. Am I nothing more than a hopeless victim that fell for the beautiful lioness, who sinks their sharpened fangs deeper into my throbbing heart? I know the truth, but it doesn't stop me from denying that I knew such a thing.
The rain has soaked my entire being, shudders passing through me with each frozen gust of chilly night air. I have no protection from this cold rainfall, nothing as I sit alone, lowering my gaze onto the concreted ground. Alone, like every other minute of my fading life. I should have been used to it, but can someone honestly live in such a cruel world alone, and still be truly happy? No. Loneliness is worse than death itself. Something that I feel is near, as this pain is surely killing me.
I shiver once again at the freezing air, feeling as if my entire existence was being swept away along with it. I try to block out the sounds of water gushing like rushing waterfalls, hands coming to cover both ears. I hear my own tears fall, and with each teardrop, I feel my life dying into the cold darkness I know is awaiting me. Why? Why is this happening? Why did it have to be me? And it's all because of...
You hold my heart in the palm of your small, yet cold, hand. With each firm squeeze, my heart gets even more damaged than it already was to begin with. Pain seeping through the broken organ repeatedly, I drop to my knees with a loud thud, not once feeling the stinging sensation of them being scraped. I feel nothing, absolutely nothing anymore. My body has gone numb by it's pure agony, shutting down any small amount of nerves that had once been alive.
Stop, please! Make it go away, save my throbbing heart! I don't want to be apart of that horrible darkness! I'm so cold, why won't you embrace me in your warm arms like you once did many years ago? I mean nothing to you now, do I? I cry, scream, plea, shout in utter anguish for you!
My tears are running out, I've cried for so long I can barely see anymore, but can you see this pain that shows clearly in my dreary, lifeless eyes? My line of sight is blurring, blinding me by this sudden rage, flowing throughout my veins like a cold river.
Cold...I want warmth! Why can't I have your warmth, dammit! Please...stop....please....
Whenever I see you, you'll smile at me with happy-filled eyes. Just hearing your simple 'hello' stabs my heart greatly. You have no idea what I'm going through, and yet, you're the one causing all of these feelings! How can you not see it? You don't even know how much it hurts, hell, I'm sure you don't bother yourself in realizing why I have such swollen eyes, skipping your merry self away after a quick goodbye.
It slices my heart in two, you being the deadly sword committing murder to my crushed soul.
I just wished you would understand. Then maybe, you'd open your arms for me to be held in once again. But you don't care to know? Try? Or want? Why don't you care? I ask 'why' all of the time nowadays, but my questions are never answered. But maybe they are, and that I just won't accept the truth, because I'm dying painfully enough as it is. Why must I suffer more?
I can't handle this agony much longer, my life is falling into the depths of darkness each time I see that sunny smile of yours. It amazes me how such a bright grin could bring this murderous darkness upon another, creeping its way into my cracked, cold heart so rapidly. It hurts worse than the fires of hell, please, I beg of you, make it stop!
Extinguish this agonising flame, it's burning my heart into nothing more than a pile of sorrowful ashes! But this flame isn't normal, no, it's cold. Freezing cold, reaching pass blizzard temperatures, to the point it burns this sad excuse for a heart. I clutch my chest where said heart should be beating happily, not slowly as if it's about to stop...though, I wish it did. The anguished pain...my chest is hurting, help me! Stop it from killing me with excruciating loneliness, please!
I love you so much, in fact, I love you to death. It frightens me when those words flow through my mind everyday, causing me to wonder just how true they are. To death...how strange, I love you that much I'd literally kill...it's actually terrifying. Maybe, just maybe, that's the reason why a haunting voice has been entering my mind...
It orders me to get rid of this problem, commanded to kill off the distressing source. But...I don't....I'm terribly confused, my head is throbbing viciously, I can't see clear anymore! The darkness...it's consuming my vision once again. My body...why is it moving on its own again, walking a path I knew all-too-well? I don't understand...Wait, the voice...it wants to see you...
The problem...it must go away, but I don't want it...or, do I?
Knocking, and the sensation of my knuckles pressing against something hard, awakens me from my thoughts. I'm here...the beginning of torturous agony all began here, your home. I remember, eight pitiful years ago, the G8 finally decided to add another country, though I argued strongly against it. But no-one cares about my options, correct? Its been that way for years, building my scorching hatred for them all constantly, everyday I wish to end each and every one of those bloody fools.
I had been the one chosen to escort the new member, you to be exact, since everyone else were either too busy, lazy, or refused, causing my already scowl to grow in size considerably. I never would have guessed this exact spot, where I stead at the moment, would be the start of my life's demise.
At first, you were nothing more than another git that would surely get under my skin, exactly like all the others. But, as time went on, you became so much more. Even when I treated you coldly, turning down your offers of meeting each other somewhere in order to get acquainted, you'd still try winning my friendship, something I wasn't used to. Most didn't want my friendship, I even doubt Kiku's friendship is real, coming to think it's nothing but an act, using me for his own greed. I've stated before that I was doing the same, using him for my own selfish needs, but honestly, I truly did want him as a friend.
Then there was you. A beautiful country many wanted, begged, lusted, and craved for. Yet, you paid them no mind, instead, your main focus seemed to be locked upon only me. Why, I wonder? Was it your plan all along, did you know of the torturous pain I was to suffer soon? I sometimes wished I never met you because of it!
Or am I lying?
Is that the truth?
Finally, after three months of your constant requesting, I agreed to meet you. It was a small tea-shop I regularly went to, the place being in England. Surprisingly, you had bought your very own house in London, which was close to my residence. I remember how happy you were when I took my seat across the maple-colored table, ordering Earl Grey tea, as did you.
That smile...I blushed exceedingly whenever you flashed it my way, an odd feeling rising within me. My heart had never experienced such a feeling either, though I craved it more than a man dying of hunger. It was the beginning of my already downfall.
We became closer...I felt as if I could be myself around you. You never questioned, or judged, me when my magical friends appeared. You were also patient of my heated attitude, not once did you leave me when I ranted violently about that American pig or French bastard. And when I was alone, sadden, you'd hold me in your arms like I was the most important person in your world.
But I wasn't.
A certain Chinese man had captured your warm heart before I could even lay a single finger on it.
This spot, this muddy, cold ground, is where I confessed after a year of finally understanding that passionate feeling to be the word called "love". Love....Did such a knife-piercing feeling actually exist in this pathetic world? I heard it was warm, sweet, everything someone could ever ask for. So why was I experiencing the exact opposite? Oh, yes, it began when you said...
"I'm in love with Yao...I'm sorry, Arthur..."
Those words...Cutting me in-half, though you don't even care. The sympathy in your (E/C) orbs wasn't real, at least, that is what this voice believes, making me as well. Years had passed since then, and you acted as if nothing happened at all. No hard feelings? How disgusting. My soul has been crushed so many times before in the past, and just when I finally think I've found my light, you banish me further into the cold, black-hole that surrounds my darkening heart.
China, or Yao, as you liked to call him, was another problem the voice told me to do away with. And oddly enough, I was in consistent. How many hours ago was it? When did I steal a life from this world? The rain had washed away most of my deadly sin, though dark splotches still stained my clothing, reminding me of those horrid screams. I hope he felt as much pain as I do, even if it's incredibly impossible.
My thoughts are once again awaken when the wooden door opened, revealing you in blue jeans along with a plain, dark red sweater. Red...just like Yao is now...Oh? You're staring me down, from head to toe. It seems you're wondering what those dark stains are, but it must be hard since I'm wearing an even darker green military uniform, the rain adding more complications to your curious irises.
"Arthur, what are you doing here, out in this kind of weather? You're soaked, hurry and come in before you catch a cold!" You say with fake concern, quickly grasping my left hand while pulling me into your warm home.
Is it really fake?
Yes...You know it is....
One problem still remains. Destroy it, and you'll feel so much better...
I don't...I can't...
Kill the problem...The first problem you got rid of felt amazing, didn't it? Just one more...
Entering the kitchen together, you bring out a tea kettle from your top cabinet, placing it on the stoves burner after filling it with water. As you were doing that, I gripped the butcher knife I found on your kitchen table tightly behind my back. I must get rid of this bloody problem...
Turning around, you smile happily when gesturing me to sit in one of the hardwood chairs. That smile I loved to hate, yet hated to love...Hands still behind me, clutching the sharp object, which caused blood to seep through my pale skin, I slowly place myself onto the cool wooden chair.
You're speaking, but I hear no words. My mind is going blank, the pain is overcoming my senses. I hear one voice, something I've been trying to fight since you rejected my love. I can only think of doing one thing.
"I really can't believe you were out in that horrible weather!"
"Yao would be so upset if I did something like that..."
"Oh, yes, Yao and I have been doing great, in fact, he asked me to marry him!"
"How are yo-" I don't let you finish your sentence, flinging myself across the table toward you. A shocked gasp escapes your trembling lips, tears forming in those beautiful eyes I love as the knife presses against your throat. I had you trapped on the cold, kitchen floor, my body caging you in like a trapped bird.
"It hurts...my heart is beating so slow, it's painful! Stop it, make it stop! Why did you do this to me? Why the bloody hell me! I loved you, why don't you love me back!" Tears, I could feel, began running down my flushed face rapidly. "I've been alone all these years...Years of nothing but pain! No-one ever cared, but you....You acted as if you did! That you loved me, would never leave me like everyone else!"
"Splendid isolation...So, very, splendid you think? Far from it, dammit! I don't like being alone, even though I said it before. I thought I'd never feel that again once you skipped so carelessly into my lonely life. But no, you go off with another man! That damn wanker!" Shuddering in anger, my grip tightens on the reddening knife.
I hear you whimper lowly in your throat, though that does not make me cease my actions. I know you're paralyzed in fear, terror running through your veins. You're also shivering, but is it coming from the cold floor, or my freezing tears falling onto your once smiling face?
Before your mouth moves, seemingly beginning to speak, I crash my bitter lips onto your own, much sweeter, one's. I kiss you desperately, my unoccupied hand tenderly cupping your right, tear-stained, cheek. Can you feel it? Is my miserable emotions showing clear enough threw this desperate kiss?
My heartbeat is growing in agony, I can't take it anymore! I want this all to end, disappear along with this pathetic heartbeat! Look at me, I'm hurting you, the only thing I never wanted to lose! Why does life fill me with such pain! Help me, stop me from hurting you!
You don't kiss me back, I feel you struggling now. Your legs are kicking, hands pushing against my chest while tears stream down the face I love yet loathe. I can't do this anymore, I must get rid of the problem! Only you can take my pain away, you started it, so you shall finish it.
Taking hold of your left hand, I place the knife into it, forcing you to grasp it tightly. Breaking the kiss, I stare into your fear stricken eyes, letting a smile tug itself upon my lips for what felt like a century since doing so. Liquid begins sliding down the knifes edge, staining our hands together.
It's stopping. The pain is fading away, as does my vision. I see your eyes widening, so much pain filling them, along with a redness covering our hands when I glace down at them. Is it finally over? Or just another lie I refuse to believe?
I see myself in your (E/C) irises, it's...horrifying. My smile looks insane, disorientated...it can't be true! No, it mustn't be! Please, tell me it's all a lie! It is a lie! Wait...there's pain in my stomach...it hurts, stop! No more, I hurt enough! What have I done? Why did I make you do this! I shouldn't have done this to you, I should have done it myself! You shouldn't have to see this...
I let go of the hand that held the blood stained knife, feeling it slide itself from my body as I collapsed onto your shaking form. My heartbeat is disappearing with each shallow breath I breathe. I feel myself coughing, redness spattering in random places.
Suddenly, I feel a warm sensation engulfing me, surrounding me strongly. Your arms had wrapped themselves around me, sitting up so my head rested against your chest. Your tears are coming out even more than before, mixing with my own. You're hugging me, I'm in your arms, I feel your warmth again....After so long, I'm finally back in your arms.
The pain is gone, I feel my heart filling with its lost happiness. My smile has turned sincere, a real smile is brightening my face after such a long drought. I'm in your loving embrace, something I've been trying to get back for years....I feel my once cold body become warm, along with my fading heart.
I don't feel lonely anymore....The pain is gone, it stopped...
My heartbeat finally stopped...
My problem has been destroyed...
...Thank you, for ending my lonely life in your warming embrace, that's all I ever wanted.